Redefining...

Writing is therapy for me.  I know my grammar is, well, bad.  And my spelling?  Not so great either.  Maybe that's because my writing has typically been for me and Jesus.  I am now and always have been a journaler(see, case in point- my spell check is yelling at me but how else do you say that?  Is journaler not a word?!).  Me and God figure stuff out (well me, I guess he already has it figured out), but I figure stuff out in the process of writing things out.  I've discovered since starting this blog that I typically just get around to posting the family pictures, the "what's happening around here" kind of post, but there's all this other stuff swimming around in my head.  Thoughts on this or that issue.  Irritations about certain things, rants about who knows what...  Things that typically are reserved for the pages of my journals have become blog posts in my head...   Occasionally a bit of my more of my "journaly" side will leak out here but it's usually just the fluff of our lives.  And by fluff, I DON'T mean unimportant.  It's all important.  Every picture and every memory recorded is important.  I guess by fluff  I mean the stuff that's easy to share.  I don't very often dig very deep in what I actually end up writing.  

I've been wondering why.   Am I afraid of offending?  Definitely.  Am I a pleaser who wants everyone to agree with everything that I say always?  Oh yes.  Am I beginning to recognize that that is completely and totally ridiculous? yep.  So why am I fearful of expressing my thoughts, my fears, my lessons learned through the path God has me on?  Not sure yet.    A few theories though..

There's this whole school of thought out there questioning why anyone would bare their soul for all of cyber world to see.  I've listened to that (idea) in the past  but I don't think I really see it that way anymore. I want this to be more than photo memories and traveling adventures but a safe place to write and share  the things God puts on my heart.  I don't know if anyone's listening or not and I don't know if that's really the point.   I mean, yeah, it's encouraging when someone comments or someone else "follows" because you realize that you are making connections, but I think the point is more in expression.  Safely expressing (if you are a non- verbal processor like me you will know what I mean here by safely...  you can write your thoughts, then delete your thoughts, then re-write your thoughts again and again and all the while, NO ONE verbally responds and tells you your silly or wrong or slightly crazed ) .  Anyway, you can safely express your emotions, thoughts, experiences in a way that communicates to others and maybe in some way encourages someone out there who can say, "YES!" "What she said!"  I mean, how many time have you read someone's blog and thought, "wow, I wish I had said it that way- that is exactly what I was thinking!".   

The other big fear revolves around being wrong and a lifelong habit of avoiding confrontation at all costs.  Yeah, I don't like to be wrong and I definitely don't like to confront or be confronted.  (just ask my husband)  So the idea of writing my thoughts about things that I"m probably quite often WRONG about or things that others will simply disagree with me about is a bit intimidating.  But, come one.  We're all human, therefore we're all wrong, A LOT!  And God definitely didn't use the same cookie cutter mold when he made us so we are quite likely to disagree on occasion.  I"m becoming more and more ok with that.  So I am surrendering this fear. I am ready to be wrong.  And I'm ready to be confronted. (sort of) In writing.  

So, all that to say, I'm going to start putting myself "out there" a little more.  I'm going to share a bit more of my personal "stuff" because in seeing this blog as an opportunity to journal my life, I want it to be the full picture.  The good, the bad, and the oh so ugly.    There.  I've said it.  I've edited it (a little but not too much- still want to be real).  So now I'm committed to it.   Writing more.  Expressing more.  Offending more?  I hope not, but possibly.   

And to be clear- this (all that I've just expressed...) is my heart's desire.  Keeping more of a record of God's lessons for me through this crazy life journey.  There will definitely be periods of silence because, let's be real, I just don't have it that together yet and I'm coming from an extremely exhausted, sleep deprived place (see next post-- hopefully coming tonight nope tomorrow, this one took too long...), but this is my goal and I"m putting it out there for all to see.  Maybe someone will hold me to it?  Regardless, I just wanted to redefine a bit of what my posts might look like.   Because for whatever reason,  for me the process of putting my thoughts down onto paper a blog for all the world to see (?) is therapeutic.  And healing somehow. In the process of writing, I almost always learn something that God has been trying for days, weeks, sometimes months to pound into my thick skull,  so I do hope you'll stick around for this new season of Pink Laundry.