MY story, MY song, second verse

Or third, or fourth verse- I'm not really sure!  

If you've been reading for a while, you may have picked up on how much music has been part of my journey, or even, OUR journey as a family.   I typically have a song that has been my theme for particular seasons of my life- not even really on purpose,  it just kind of happens.  I'm not exactly musically gifted- that's Jason's area, but I love music and the way certain songs take me back to certain places and experiences.  For example, HERE I talk about the music that was a part of our IVF journey.  

So anyway, I've been feeling nostalgic lately.  Or sentimental may be a better word.  (or possibly hormonal but let's not go there)...  Our sweet little Anabelle just turned 3- THREE!  Is that even possible?  And in the midst of what has been a very busy few weeks, I was able to take some moments and reflect on the miracle that she is and just praise Jesus for His gift.  (HERE is the Anabelle part of our IVF journey that still makes me weep and probably always will)  

A few weeks before her birthday, we were at our weekly worship time where we gather with other friends, our overseas family,  in our homes and do church together.  We were singing "Blessed Assurance" and I was immediately taken back to a similar time of worship, different city, many of the same friends, some different, almost exactly 3 years ago.  On that day, "Blessed Assurance" spoke to and soothed my soul in the midst of my grief over a lost IVF cycle.  I wrote about that HERE.  On this day, almost exactly 3 years later, as I held AB in my arms and sang those familiar words, I was totally blown away by God's goodness and grace, and by the way He is continuing to write the story of our family.  

THAT day, I mourned the loss of a child I would never hold this side of heaven.  THIS day I wrapped my arms tightly around one of the four miracles God has lovingly placed into my care.

THAT day,  I was overwhelmed by the way God weaves even the most painful circumstances into the fabric of our lives to help tell the story of His love.  THIS day, I rejoiced at the beauty that has resulted from that pain as I once again looked around the room and soaked in the gifts of my husband and my daughters and our friends, all such an intricate part of MY story and MY song.  

THAT day, my tears were birthed from pain and a lack of understanding of why God's timing couldn't align more with mine, yet I chose to praise Him anyway.  THIS day, my tears came from a place of joy as I reflected on the journey of our family, OUR story, OUR song, and I praised him for the gift of our children and the music they bring to our lives.  

You see, in our house, you could say life is a song more often than not.  There are days when I have to ask one (or more) of the girls to just stop singing for a few moments so I can gather my thoughts.  There is music as we clean, singing as we do dishes, humming as we do homework.  

You get the idea. At times the song is a bit off key, often times we are wondering WHEN a verse is going to end, and other days we all joyfully sing together.  Whatever the case, we rest assured that with God as the composer, the end result will be a thing of beauty that only He could create.   I praise Him for each of our girls who add their unique melody (or harmony) to the song He is writing for our family,  and this month in particular we celebrate the melody of Anabelle and the joy she brings to our lives.  Whether it be belting out the lyrics of "Let it Go" (again), attempting to sing along in our worship time to a song she has never heard, or humming along (in perfect pitch) to the tune of Jason's coffee grinder, we are all beyond thankful for this precious girl and the music she brings to our lives.  

Kings and kingdoms will all pass away

That's a throwback, right?  Or maybe you've never even heard the song!  It IS a song (the title of the post I mean), but I guess I'm showing my age here!  It's Gloria Gaither and the funny thing is, it is NOT at all the kind of music that we listen to in our house.  However it's a song that Jason has sung to every one of our sweet girls as babies.  If you've never heard my man sing, well, you're missing out.  He can make even the cheesiest 70's gospel song sound amazing.  He holds them tight and sings right up in their little ears and it soothes and comforts like nothing else.

So this song is special to us.  Has been for 13 years now.  It's not a song we sing at any other moment except in our baby's nurseries at bedtime or naptime.  Not that there's anything wrong with the song.  The lyrics are actually pretty amazingly perfect.  It's just not exactly mainstream these days as far as praise and worship music goes!  Click here if you want to listen...

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

There's just something about that name

Master, Saviour, Jesus

Like the fragrance after the rain

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

Let all heaven and earth proclaim

Kings and kingdoms will all pass away

But there's something about that name.

Anyway, I do have a point here.  I realized the other day when putting Miss Anabelle down for her nap and singing this song that I left this little jewel out of my IVF journey posts.  (I linked to part 4 because that's where this would fall chronologically).  It was in the spring of 2010 after yet another IVF attempt had not worked and it was, well, difficult to say the least.  Jason and I traveled to a meeting that spring, and I had the blessing of spending an evening with some wonderful ladies who knew of our journey and took some time to pray for Jason and I and our hopefully growing family.  At the end of this prayer time, one of these sweet ladies began singing.  And do you know that with absolutely no prompting from me and no knowledge at all that this had been and would continue to be our "baby song" she began singing this precious song.  Be still my heart and let the tears fall!  Everyone joined in and after praying for God to give us the baby we desired, my sweet sisters lifted these words up to Him together.  This was just one more precious nugget from the Lord, that we were continue to press on in the journey.  

I guess you can see why it makes me tear up when I pick Anabelle up for naptime and she says, "Jesus, Jesus" because she loves to sing this song too.  She sings it to her babies also, and let me tell you, it's about the most precious thing on the planet.  Video to come soon...

I also couldn't help but think that it's a pretty timely reminder for me, with the elections tomorrow, that kings and kingdoms do pass away, and while it is important to cast my vote and play my part in that way, it is much more important for me to remember in my day to day life who the true King is and that my ultimate goal should be seeking to give Him glory and make His name known.  

"As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.  But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children-- with those who keep his covenant, and remember to obey his precepts.  The Lord has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.  Praise the Lord, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word.  Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will.  Praise the Lord, all his works, everywhere in his dominion.  Prasie the Lord, O my soul. " 

Psalm 103: 15-22

"May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face shine upon us, that your ways may be known on earth, your salvation among all nations.  May the peoples praise you, O God; may all the peoples praise you.  May the nations be glad and sing for joy, for you rule the peoples justly and guide the nations of the earth.  May the peoples praise you, O God; may all the peoples praise you.  Then the land will yield its harvest, and God, our God, will bless us.  God will bless us, and all the ends of the earth will fear him."

Psalm 67

One final thing...  I mentioned to the girls when we were eating lunch today that tomorrow is elections in America so we should be praying.  Naomi responded much more enthusiastically than I would have expected saying,  "REALLY, we're getting a new president?!  You mean it's not going to be George Washington anymore?!"  

Our IVF Journey Part 5: Our Hail Mary

Have you ever been at that point where you thought you had things all figured out?  You were excited because you understood the plans God had for you and you thought you had a sense of His timing and where He was leading and what He would do next.  Maybe you were even anticipating His next move just a little and confidently speaking of His purpose and plan, and then, next thing you know you find yourself flat on your back, gasping for air, wondering how you missed whatever "it" was so completely and totally.  Yeah, I've been there.  Don't hear me wrong, I'm not saying that I think God knocks our feet out from under us.  Oh, I think we're quite capable of doing that all on our very own.  But I think that He knows that every so often we need a bit of a wake up call as to Who is actually in charge.

So I went from feeling confident that God was answering our prayers in exactly the way that we anticipated to feeling utterly defeated and dumbfounded in the short amount of time it takes a pregnancy test (well 2 pregnancy tests) to register.  What in the world had I missed along the way?  I was frustrated, even angry.   I could not understand why in the world God had given me a glimpse of what he had in the OR only to let me down so completely.  Why were things playing out this way?

I prayed.  I cried out.  Again.  And, faithfully, God answered.  

I do know now that what I thought was Him saying "I am giving you your baby now", was actually Him saying, "I hold creation in my hands at all times.  Your children are yours for a time but only when I decide to release them into your care.  And ultimately, they are always mine." I also know (and God knew) that had I not seen the image of Jesus holding His cupped hands, I would probably not have had the strength to persevere in this journey.  I would not have been able to be nearly as insistent when all logic said it was time to stop.  But I did see it, and I prayed desperately to understand it. 

 The image of God's almighty hands has always been one of immense comfort to me.  I talked in part 1 about my bike wreck and how God used Isaiah 41:10 to speak to my heart.  I love knowing that He says, "I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  In keeping with the image that I saw in the OR, He used the imagery of His hands to speak to me again.

"This is what the Lord says- the Holy One of Israel, and its Maker:  Concerning things to come, do you question me about my children, or give me orders about the work of my hands?  It is I who made the earth and created mankind upon it.  My own hands stretched out the heavens;  I marshaled their starry hosts."  

Isaiah 45: 11-12

"See now that I myself am He!  There is no god besides me.  I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and NO ONE CAN DELIVER OUT OF MY HAND." 

(emphasis mine)

Deuteronomy 32:39

The God of creation, who fashioned the heavens and the earth and all the starry hosts, holds my little one in His hands and NO ONE can change that.  His timing is perfect and, as He had already reminded me from Psalm 145:16, He opens His hand to provide at the proper time.  Well that's all I needed to hear!  Obviously we are not done with this journey.  

(please know that all of this is pure Kelli theology.  I'm not trying to write a book here.  I'm not tryint to prove or disprove any theories.  Right or wrong,  context or out of context this is straight up the way God spoke to my heart on this journey.  Don't try and pick it apart theologically, I'm sure you'll find flaws.  I am and always have been very simple minded and sometimes, I think, God meets us at the heart of our simplicity and uses His word in ways that we best understand)

So, back to the journey.  Obviously we're not done!  Creator God has our baby in His hands, it's just not His timing yet.  Press on!  Well.  That's the dreamer, the idealist in me.  The realist (this time in the form of my husband) brought up some good points.  We're out of money.  We're practically out of time.  You (me) are out of emotional energy.  We are in the midst of packing up our house to move to the states for a year (it was July 2010 and we were heading to the states early September).  Boo.  I don't like practicality.  It is not logical, or practical to continue like this.  

Ok, enter the dreamer, the idealist (that would be me).  I am grasping on to the last bits of hope here!  I convince Jason that we just need to give it a few days and pray about it.  Let's not make a decision too quickly and say we're done.  I can't let go of this just yet.  Please understand!  (of course he does).  I share with him the image I saw in the OR, the scriptures God has led me too.  He's perplexed as I am.  What does all this mean, Lord?  Why have we come down this road with these results?  We're taking some days.   We're praying.  Emotions are raw, but we are together desperately seeking a solution to a situation that we don't understand.   See, not only are our financial resources almost gone at this point, but also we've about used the last of the "boys".  Not only that but in less than 2 months we are packing up and heading to America and likely not moving back to Lebanon.  The "boys" can't make that journey again.  Our last chance at this is in Lebanon.  Couldn't afford it in America anyway.  

The next day I call my doctor to let her know my pregnancy test was negative.  I also share with her our dilemma that as much as we would like to try again, we don't think we can financially and we are also running out of time as far as how much longer we'll be in the country.  She explains that if we are going to give it one last go, I'll need to come in mid-cycle in July to make sure everything is as it should be so that we'll be prepared in August.  We'll keep that in mind.  

A few hours later she calls me back.  We've become very close over the months of this process.  I've shared my beliefs with her, she's mourned with me.  We've laughed and cried together.  I consider her a friend  (despite the fact that she referred to me as "a woman of your age" when discussing the quality of my eggs).  A woman of my age?  36 is a VERY young age, right?  Anyway, she calls me back.  

"Kelli, I need to let you know something," she says.   "I've spoken with the hospital board of directors about your case (HUH?) and they've agreed to significantly reduce the cost of your procedure considering the amount of times you've already come in and the fact that you are doing natural cycle IVF and it is therefore much simpler.  Also, I will waive all my medical fees for the procedure."  

WOW!  That was out of left field!  Ok, well significantly reduced is still more than we can feasibly do right now...  Still praying...

The next day, I was finishing up some financial reports and organizing some things in our safe.  I found an envelope stuffed in the back that had gotten buried under some other things.  I open it.  Cash.  Lots.  "JASON- what's this?"...

Our money.  He'd put it there months before and completely forgotten about it.  That's half of what we need.

Next day, email from a dear friend saying she and her husband felt led to give us a certain amount of money.  They had planned to wait until we returned in September but felt led to let us know it was available when needed.

  That's it.  Full amount of procedure covered.  

Thank you Jesus.  

Now what? (SOO tired of that question!!!)

I call my doctor.  We're in.  Let's do this.  This is it.  

Our hail Mary pass. 

 Please,  DEAR LORD, let us come up with the ball in the in-zone.  THIS IS THE ONLY TIME IT COUNTS...

So I go in for my mid month appointment.  Oof.  "Not good," she says.  Considering we have one month, that is NOT what I want to hear!  Apparently I've developed a cyst (have had them in the past) but she can't do the procedure if it is there.  I start some medicine and we pray for it to go away by the time next month rolls around.  

It does not.  That's ok, she says.  We can remove it and move on, it's just easier to not to have to do it that way.  She removes it without charging us for the procedure.  

It's now or never.  We are now leaving for the states in less than one month.  Using the last of the "boys" or leaving them behind in Beirut.  

August 13, 2010 I have 1 egg removed and fertilized (I don't have to tell you what the odds are here...)

August 16, 2010  1 embryo implanted

5 days of staying off my feet.  I laid in my bed giving orders for packing the house, typing crating lists, packing lists, but I stayed off my feet.  

Then, the horrific 2 week wait.  Thankfully, we were oh so busy.   Even traveled to Jordan for a meeting where I was in charge of all the food.  Plenty to keep me so so busy.  My hands at least.  There was no way to keep my mind busy enough.  

Sunday, August 29 we traveled back from Amman to Lebanon.  It was day 28 and I was not supposed to take a test for 2 more days, but guess what...  My chest was SO sore.  And not because I'd been mooshing on it constantly to SEE if it was sore (been there, done that).  It was actually sore.  And my stomach felt really weird.  Could it possibly be?  Ok, obviously I can't wait now.  So I head out to the pharmacy at 8 that night (snuck out, actually, I wanted to surprise Jason- I have this weird fascination with surprises that so far had resulted in 2 failed Christmas surprises- see, lesson still not learned).

Hands shaking I pick up the stick.  Too faint.  If I hold it up right in the light and tilt it a certain way, there MIGHT be a second line.  Or wait, maybe not.  DANG. IT.  

So I run back to the pharmacy.  Not just hands shaking this time.  Whole body shaking.  

This time I tell Jason.  We wait.  (I always put the stick down and walk away.  I NEVER sit and watch it.  Don't know why).  I go back in and pick it up.  

I don't suppose I need to describe the celebration that followed.  

And still takes place every time I look at her.

Anabelle Rose Cox

May 11, 2011

Or any of them for that matter...

Our miracles.  His creation.  Lovingly placed in our hands to care for in this life, but never apart from His care.  

"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."

Isaiah 40:11

My prayer for all of our girls, as depicted above Anabelle's bed is that they will all love and worship their Creator with their lives.

"Your hands made me and formed me; give me understanding to learn from your commands"

Psalm 119:73

Our IVF Journey Part 4: Country Music Theology

Hey, guess what!  I don't have any "side notes" to start off this part of the story!

We need to fast forward a few years, though.  Naomi was born in February of 2006.  I think at that point, Jason might have said our family was done.  I, though extremely thankful and perfectly content, knew in my heart of hearts that I was not there.  And truth be told, he knew that too.  There would be an occasional comment about growing our family again sometime in the future and he would just kind of glance at me with the raised eyebrow as if to say, "we're going there again?".  If you couldn't tell, it's quite an emotional road as I know those of you who have experienced it know.  We would share a smile (after the raised eyebrow) and that would be the end of it.  I had no word from God to "be silent" (guess He knew I didn't need it this time...) and I didn't feel anxious or stressed about what our "child bearing future" would hold.  Adoption was not off the table in my mind, but at the same time, I was not really ready to fully consider that option either.

So we coasted for a few years.  I saw we because it wasn't really an issue that needed to be talked about at that phase in our lives as a couple.  However, that's not to say that the idea of becoming pregnant and having a baby was EVER far from my mind.  If you've walked the fertility road maybe you know what I'm talking about when I say, you ALWAYS know exactly where your body is physically (counting days becomes as easy as breathing), and at least for me, EVERY MONTH I wondered if this would be the miracle month.  Come on, you've heard the stories I'm sure.  Couples who tried everything the fertility world has to offer only to come up with empty arms at the end of the day as far as biological children, and then, lo and behold, positive pregnancy test.  I wondered every month if that would be us, and every month I would feel a little let down that that was not God's chosen path for us.  Don't hear me wrong, this was not something I was obsessing about or overly emotional about.  It was just- always. there.  In my head.  The wondering, hoping, wishing, the "how cool would that be!".  Come on God, show your glory THIS way, MY way!

(oops- so here's my side note- I lied...)  I realized I haven't mentioned in the telling of this story the significant role that Beth Moore's bible studies have played in this journey for me.  I said before that I am a journaler and I also keep old Bible Study books that I've written in.  Sadly, they are all in storage (in my mom's attic in America) where I obviously can't access them so it's hard for me to give many details but I can definitely tell you which study I was in during various parts of the journey.  And let me just tell you that God has used that precious woman and her Bible studies in AMAZING ways in my journey.  She truly has a gift for communicating His word and for being a vessel through which He can speak.  If you haven't done any of her studies, I highly encourage it, or at least check out her ministry blog.  When Jason was diagnosed with cancer and in the midst of treatments, I did Jesus the One and Only.  During the fertility treatments, Believing God was wonderful.   There have been others along the way but I specifically remember those and if I had the books with me, I would likely go through and give you specifics of every lesson learned along the way and every truth applied, so maybe it's good that I don't have them!

Anyway, that's where we were.  Very, very happy with our 3 beautiful, healthy girls and truly overflowing with thankfulness.  And then in happened.  I was at a Bible study with some girlfriends in the fall of 2009- we were doing Beth Moore's study of Esther, and God spoke very clearly to my heart.
I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that He was opening the door for us to do IVF again and that He was not done growing our family.  Oh boy.  So I go home and tell Jason that we need to pray about this, because I am completely convinced that I have heard from the Lord.  I got a bit of the raised eyebrow in response but mostly because He was bracing himself for the emotional me that was to come.  We both knew the potential difficulties- emotionally, physically and even spiritually of the road ahead but we prayed together, consulted the doctor again and agreed to move forward.

Moving forward this time meant that we were going to go with a natural cycle IVF.  In other words, I wasn't going to take all the crazy medications.  My history showed that it really didn't do much for me anyway so no need in injecting myself with all that stuff and sending my body into even more of a hormonal mess.  We did decide to take Clomid for a bit of an extra boost, but not all the shots that typically go along with IVF.  This also significantly helped with the cost which was also a bit of an issue.   So, here we go again...

Oh, and again, what timing!  Like I said, all of this was taking place in the fall of 2009.   By the time we had all the doctors appointments, got all the logistical details worked out etc, the timing was falling right around Christmas.  At this point, our family and even close friends, for the most part, had NO IDEA this was something we were even considering (and I'm generally an open book but we were holding this one close to the chest).  It probably wasn't even on their radars.  Naomi was 3 going on 4 and I'm betting most people figured we were done with the fertility thing.   Anyway, being the emotional sap that I am, I decided that it would be totally perfect to have a "pregnancy surprise" for our families for Christmas.  (no, I obviously didn't learn anything 5 years prior).  So, besides the few who helped keep the girls during procedures, we didn't tell anyone what we were doing.  I was full out, 150% convinced that this was going to work the first time and that we would get to knock everyone's socks off with our wonderful Christmas news.  Again, how hard headed am I?!  good grief.  Well, I'm guessing you can see where this is going.  The 1 embryo that  was implanted didn't "take".  Negative pregnancy test.  No Christmas surprise.  okkkaaaaay.

Well there you go.  Obviously, I have misunderstood AGAIN, Lord and am NOT learning the lessons you have for me, here!  What the heck?  I mean, we're content with our family (or we WERE!), YOU TOLD me to do this!  I convinced my sweet husband to do this!  WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!  Inhale.  Exhale.  Breath.  (I don't know about you, but I'm so thankful we have a heavenly Father who can "take" our rants!...)

More regrouping, evaluating our financial situation, praying, praying, praying.  God still speaking to my heart to press on.  God speaking to Jason's heart to trust me in pressing on (scary!).  So we do.  (press on, that is) Doctor says it can take more time this way, be patient.  Another cycle, another round of ultrasounds, everything is ready and here we go again.

So, maybe I should explain a bit of the IVF pattern here.  You go in for the procedure (under IV sedation) to have your eggs removed.  I've heard of women who, due to the meds, have upwards of 20 eggs removed and fertilized.  As I said before, that never happened with me.  2, 3 I think was the most. Then, the doctors look at the eggs and determine if they are actually the quality that can be fertilized.  If they are, they inject a sperm into the egg and watch it under the microscope for a few days.  If it begins to divide and grow as an actual embryo would,  then you are ready for the second procedure.  Procedure #2 is within 48-72 hours of the first and they take any viable embryos and implant them into your uterus (this time no IV sedation, just a full bladder).  After this procedure, you have to lay completely flat on your back for 1-2 hours and then return home and are essentially on bedrest for 3-5 days.  (this routine differs, I'm told, depending on your doctor).  My understanding (remember that I avoided the internet at all costs on this topic) is that in some cases, embryos are classified as "high quality" versus "low quality" and in cases where many embryos are fertilized, couples are given the option of only implanting the "high quality" embryos and freezing the rest for later "tries".  This was not an ethical issue that we had to face as we never had more than 3 eggs to fertilize.  Also, I made very clear to my doctor, that I was not interested in classifying the embryos.  If there was an embryo there, I wanted it put back in, no matter the "quality".

So, here we are, spring of 2010, ready to try again.  I go in for procedure number 1 and she is able to retrieve 2 eggs.  She is not very pleased with the quality and tells me to call her in 2 days and she will let me know whether or not she was able to fertilize the eggs.  I call.  She says she was able to fertilize 1 but at this point it is not dividing as an embryo would.  She says we will give it another day and to call back tomorrow.  I call in the big gun prayers.  All the friends and family I can think of who are aware of our journey are praying.  I call back the next day.

 Nope.  No embryo.  It's not meant to be this time. 

ok. well then.  I wrote about this part of our journey here.  Take a look- I can't adequately express again what I was feeling at that time.  I don't share in that post exactly what I'm talking about, but now you know...

So now, as you can imagine, we find ourselves in an interesting place.  This is not a road we can continue to walk financially.  Enter unexpected financial blessing #2 (at least) which gave us the freedom (again) to not have to evaluate this decision from a financial standpoint.  We've now been walking this road again for 6 months.  I convinced my husband saying I had a Word from the Lord.  He had been led to trust me in this, but here we were, no pregnancy, running out of options.  How long are we going to keep this up?!  That was the question.  My sweet husband's practicality was balancing my "all or nothing" emotion.  What to do?  

After much prayer, we decided to have our last shipment of "boys" sent from California.  We would give it one last go.  I promised you a story regarding this shipment so here it is.   So, the first time we had the "boys" sent from California to Beirut (in 2004), they went directly to the lab technicians at the American University Hospital via FedEx.  I was not involved at all in the process aside from making sure the addresses were correct and paying the bill.  This is, after all, a liquid nitrogen tank- not something I"m exactly qualified to handle, despite my nursing degree!  However.  For whatever reason (and if you live overseas or have ever lived overseas, especially in the Middle East, you know that there is no rhyme or reason to the postal/shipping system) this time they were telling me that the package could not go directly to the hospital that it had to come to me.  I had to be the one to handle the pick up from customs and the delivery to the hospital.  Ok.  Bring it on.  I am NOT going to let this stop us!  Like, I said, this is a liquid nitrogen tank.  of my husband's "boys".  coming into customs in the Middle East.  And it's time sensitive because if it gets delayed too long in customs, they will no longer be frozen "boys" thus making them unusable.  Could get interesting!!  And did it.

I'll spare you most of the details, but let's just say that if you were to envision a big, dark warehouse type room with lots of Arab men sitting around smoking cigarettes and going through all the packages that arrive and deciding what to release and what not to release, you would not be far from the truth.  And here I come busting up into their little world with my note from the Ministry of Health in Lebanon (ordinarily quite an ordeal to obtain but God opened doors right and left and made it easy) that says "please release the "boys" of Jason Cox to his wife for fertility procedures".  Yeah.  Let's just say that was quite a day.  So, after spending about 3 hours in the customs warehouses at the Beirut airport, I walk away with a liquid nitrogen tank full of "boys" and deliver it to the American University Hospital.    And yes, they were still frozen.  No delays.  Praise God for the little miracles along the way!  And then I went home and cried.  It was a wee bit stressful...

So, here we go again.  Summer 2010.  Best we can figure, this is our last shot.  We can't justify spending more money, this is not something our emotions can continue to take over and over again.  Again, I will say that never in this process were we opposed to adoption.  We had not ruled it out.  But we also knew that this was not the way that God was leading at this point.

Lord, we've heard you.  We're acting on what we've understood.  Please...

So here's where I'm going to get really vulnerable with you.  As part of this story I have to share my experience, and what happened in the OR as part of the second procedure is a huge part of that story.  Remember, I was not sedated.  I was completely in my right mind.  I promise.  And no, this is not a way that God typically speaks to me.  Had never happened before and has not happened since.  But here's what happened...  The lights were off in the room besides the head light my doctor wore.  The lab technician walked in with a tiny tube holding the embryos (2 fertilized successfully this time).  As I was on the table, waiting for the doctor to begin, I very clearly saw Jesus standing at the bottom of the table beside my doctor and He had His hands cupped as if He were holding the babies in His hands.  It was more the form of what I knew to be Jesus, but it was so clear in my mind.  So clear that I can't begin to adequately describe it.  You'll just have to trust me.  He was there, cupped hands that He held out to me.  And then it faded and the procedure was done.  So there.  At that point, my heart knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was giving us the baby that He held in His hands.   His creation, to be our child.   The next 2 weeks were of course difficult, but nothing like any 2 week wait I had experienced before.  I was so sure of what was happening in my body, already so joyful.  Elated.  I hadn't even shared my little OR experience with Jason yet.  It was too precious to my heart to share just yet and, anyway, I planned to share it with him within a few short weeks when I took a positive pregnancy test.  I guess you could say I held it close to my heart.  

Two weeks passed before I knew it this time.  We were preparing for a visit from my parents and a dear family friend so we were busy enough to help pass the time.  Then the big day.  Pregnancy test day.  And I even waited for the right day this time.  

Drum roll.....  

 negative.  Wait, WHAT?  

There is absolutely no way that is right.

So I did what any sane (desperate) person would do, and I marched myself down to the pharmacy and took another.  

NEGATIVE 

WHAT IS HAPPENING!!!???

So then I did what any on the verge of losing it person would do- I ran.  Quite literally.  We lived about 100 yards away from a beautiful walkway by the Mediterranean Sea at the time, so I popped on my headphones, woke Jason up to tell him what happened and where I was going, (I told you I waited until the right day, but it was VERY early on the right day.  Bless his heart, he was just as shocked as me and I woke him up blubbering then headed out the door), and then I ran.  Hard and fast I'm pretty sure.

With feet pounding the pavement, music (a mix of praise and worship and country- weird I know) blaring in my ears, and tears running down my cheeks, my heart cried out to God.   

I don't know about you but sometimes I pray best through praise and worship music.  Someone else has best said exactly what I'm feeling, and I pour that back to God.  Surprisingly this time, though, it wasn't a typical praise and worship song that spoke to my heart.  It was country music, which I personally believe can have just as poignant of a message as some praise songs.  And the song I heard this day, this morning packed quite a punch.   I cry to this day every single time I hear it.  

Click here for the link to Martina McBride's "Anyway"

Here's what hit me the hardest and the deepest:

You can chase a dream

That seems so out of reach

And you know it might not ever come your way

DREAM IT ANYWAY

God is great, but sometimes life ain't good

When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should

But I do it anyway

I DO IT ANYWAY

The world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe

That tomorrow will be better than today

BELIEVE IT ANYWAY

It seemed pointless to even ask the what next question.  There wasn't supposed to be a "what next?".  It would be financially irresponsible to continue like this.  It would be emotionally irresponsible.  

Dear God, my heart cries out!  Where are you in this?  I have dreamed, I have prayed, I have believed with all my heart!   WHY did I see what I saw in the OR that day?  Am I going crazy?  

"The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made.  The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.  The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time.  You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. "

Psalm 145:13-16

Ok God, what next?

Our IVF Journey Part 3: A little hope goes a long way

Again, I feel the need to clarify something before entering part 3..  I do not want to make this post about the many ethical issues involved with in-vitro.  God leads individuals and they must respond to His leading.  I will say, that many of the things we were prepared to deal with involving multiple embryos, we did not have to face.  My body did not exactly cooperate.  I never had more than 3 eggs and they were not able to harvest more than 2 at any point.  We were good with those numbers...  

So here we go again!  Another order for the "boys" put in to the California storage lab.   Delivered easily and without intervention on my part directly to the lab at the American University in Beirut (stay tuned for why this needed to be mentioned to begin with...)  And time to try again...

And what timing!  My procedures were scheduled for the beginning of December.  At this rate, we would do the procedures, I would stay off my feet for 3-5 days, then the horrific two week wait and then the pregnancy blood test on Christmas Eve- the day after my family arrived from the states.  What an amazing Christmas surprise!  See, this is what we've waited for!  What perfect timing!  

Indeed.  Except that the Christmas Eve blood test was not positive.  Negative.  Not the Christmas surprise we hoped for.  Not even close.  Wow.  We did IVF and it didn't work??  Wow.  Now what?  We weren't supposed to even have to result to IVF and it didn't even work.  Talk about a swift kick to the gut...

Time to back up a little and re-evaluate, Lord.  Did I/we misunderstand?  Weren't you leading in this direction?  What gives here?  What in the world, now?  And to add to the confusion- I mentioned the blessing of fertility procedures being less expensive over here.  While very true, at that point we had done A LOT of fertility procedures so things were starting to add up a bit.  We had to face the reality that it might not be financially possible to proceed.  Enter unexpected financial blessing #1 which meant that we did not have to evaluate things from a financial perspective.  That was good for my peace of mind.  But still, re-evaluate we did.  We prayed, we sought God's heart, we waited, we listened.  And God continued to speak and teach.

"To a man belong the plans of the heart, but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue.  All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord."  

Proverbs 16:1-2

Help me purify my motives, Lord!  I thought.  Is my heart in the wrong place?!

""Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

Proverbs 19:21

God, I"m desperately seeking you, here while at the same time trying to balance that with something I/we desperately want!  What is the right balance?!

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."

Isaiah 43:18-19

Ok, I like the sound of that...

"I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places so that you may know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name."

Isaiah 45:3

Now do me a favor.  Please don't lecture me about taking a scripture out of context.  I am fully aware that in Isaiah 45 God is talking about His anointing of the Gentile king, Cyrus.  But believe me when I tell you that God used the above verse as balm to my hurting soul.  He reassured me that the "treasure of darkness"- the darkness of the human womb was one that He fully intended to give me again.  He had already numbered the days of my unborn child according to His word and I clung to that promise with all my might, and again, I had hope..

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.  When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.  All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Psalm 138:13-16

Hope can be a dangerous thing.  Hope placed in doctors, dreams, other people- that kind of hope tends to disappoint.  But hope placed in God?  Can be one of the most freeing, exhilarating things we have the privilege to experience this side of heaven.  I am selling myself way short if I seek to put my hope in anything but in my Heavenly Father.  The hardest part of that lesson is putting that hope in him and fully trusting him with the results of what I am hoping for.  My tendency to control remains.  My need to verbalize reminders to Him of what I think would be best.  But, as He said from the beginning, I need to learn to remain silent an trust the end results to Him.  He does not need my reminders.  

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.  My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning." 

Psalm 130:5-6

And sometime in the midst of all the waiting, combined with hoping, he allows us and even leads us to act.  That's what he did for us.  He led us again to act.  So we did.  And as I had thought many times over the last year and a half or so, on June 6, 2005, once again I thought,

here we go again...

IVF try number 2. 

Got a little complicated there for a bit.  In leading up to the actual procedures for IVF, there are many shots that must be given at precise times, ultrasounds taken to check the success of the shots etc.  Well, in the midst of these preparatory shots, my precious Papa John passed on to heaven and I flew home to Memphis for the funeral.  WITH all of my IVF drugs in my carry-on, thank you very much.  See, in Lebanon, you don't have to go into the doctor's office for the shots.  What I actually did, was walk into the pharmacy and say, "these are the drugs I need and I need the materials to give myself these shots" (or something like that), and I was handed a brown paper bag full of needles, syringes and medications.  Not kidding....   So I then received a prescription from my doctor (after having all the drugs, mind you), packed up my little drug arsenal and flew from Lebanon to Paris to Atlanta to Memphis with all of my meds.  Just a wee bit stressful.  Don't even want to think about the royal fit I would have pitched at the airline employee who attempted to come between me and my baby making meds....  But God took care of those details and besides a minor hiccup in Paris customs, me and my meds made the trip just fine.

And then the big day.  Meds were taken, ultrasounds completed, egg withdrawn and fertilized.  I  remember every little detail of that day. The day I would have 1 harvested embryo implanted into my uterus.  ONE.  Not 2, not 4, not 6.  (yes, people do that).  ONE.  Any idea what that does to the "odds" of success.   I have an inkling of an idea (but only a small one) because I made the rule for myself not to look at the multitude of fertility websites "out there".  They are not encouraging to me.  I don't want to hear that the odds of successful IVF are less than 10% on a good day (ok, I looked a little at the websites), and let's just say that ONE embryo in the eyes of the fertility world does not equal a good day.  So every detail- I remember having coffee at my favorite Beirut coffee shop.  I remember the skirt I was wearing and the pink shirt.  I remember arriving to the hospital to find that my doctor was gone but the doctor on call for him was amazing and turns out, she did her residency in Labor and Delivery at Methodist hospital in Memphis, TN where I used to work!  Details.  I remember them all.  

I remember the verse I underlined 2 days later as I stayed off my feet and waited the 2 weeks that seemed an eternity...

"Sustain me according to your promise and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed.  Uphold me, and I will be delivered;  I will always have regard for your decrees."

Psalm 119:116-117

Please God, do not let my hopes be dashed!

I've waited for many things in my life, many times.  But let me tell you that until you have experienced the dreaded "two week wait" that comes along with IVF, you have not truly waited...  And of course, in true Kelli fashion, I could not bring myself to wait the full amount of time.  So 2 days before my doctor told me would be the right time to come in for a blood test, I bought a home pregnancy test.  Knowing full well that it could very likely lead to a false negative as I was taking it way too early but I simply could not stand it any longer.  

positive.  positive.  POSITIVE!!!!

Tempered hope due to history, but joyful elation none the less. 

And this was a lasting hope.  

Naomi Amal (Arabic for hope) joined our family 8.5 months later on February 21, 2006

and THAT, my friends, is NOT the rest of the story..

Stay tuned for part 4!

Our IVF Journey Part 2: Wait, our WHAT journey??!!

Before I start part 2, I feel the need to say something.  When I refer to the frozen "boys" in case it is not quite obvious, yes, I am referring to my husband's frozen sperm.  Let me just clear the air- this is not something that makes me uncomfortable.  This is not something that makes him uncomfortable.  We've learned to joke about it, and laugh about it, and it is something we have to refer to in order to tell our story.  If it makes you uncomfortable, I apologize from the get go, but it's kind of hard to tell this story without that little reference every so often.  So there.  I will continue to refer to the "boys" and hopefully you can smile with me.  If not, well, maybe come back for the next story because the "boys" were an integral part of this particular journey.  And come on, give us a break- we don't get to talk about boys much in this house!  Glad we had this little talk...

Waiting, yeah, not very fun.  And I didn't mention in part 1 that not only had God told me to "be silent" and "wait" but when he said "be silent", I understood that to be starting right then.  Which meant I couldn't go to Jason and say something along the lines of, "hey, you know the whole having another baby thing that I've been dropping hints about?  Well, God told me not to bug you about it anymore until you bring it up, so the ball's in your court, dude."   Nope, couldn't say that.  Couldn't even give him the slightest hint that I was now, perhaps for truly the first time ever, waiting on him.

WWAAAIIITTTTIIINNNNGGGG!!

You get the idea right?   So, in the meantime, we pack up our happy little family of 4 and move to France.  Fun!  Truly it was.  Such a neat time in our lives.  Jason worked and I studied French.  Maddie was in a nursery school at my French school and Abbey went to French kindergarten.  And then one day, out of the blue, Jason says (something along the lines of), "Hey, what do you think about talking about having a baby again?"

Bombs explode in my head, fireworks explode in the sky!!!!  

"Huh, we could talk about that.  Good idea, sweetie,"  I very calmly reply....   (8 months, people, I waited SILENTLY for 8 months-- I know, really not that long in the grand scheme of things)

So let me tell you a little about what was going on in my head at that point (as best I can remember).  First, I felt very led to fast and pray about this whole thing for 3 days.  That was new for me (more than a day long fast) and oh so very challenging.  It would, after all be our third baby who would be arriving in the not too distant future so a 3 day fast seemed appropriate.  So I did that and God confirmed.  Yes, now is My timing.  So, back to my mental state (hopefully this will explain the title of this post a bit).  Ok, so this was going to have to be a fertility treatment baby.  That much was a given. However, in my head, this was going to be a very easy process.  We had, after all, never had any trouble becoming pregnant in the past.  We had been told that fertility treatments, for us, should be fairly easy, given my history of easily becoming pregnant and the high quality of Jason's "boys".  Yes, so easy.  That's what this would be.  Yes, there would be another step involved of course.  A doctor would have to be involved in the process of getting things to where they needed to be in order for said baby to be created but in the scheme of what so many people have to deal with when it comes to fertility treatments, this was going to be cake...  One maybe two tries of artificial insemination and we'd be good to go!  After all, I was in the middle of learning a foreign language, the last thing we needed was to walk down some emotionally exhausting path that would cause additional stress.  According to our calculations though, the timing would work out just about right for a new baby to be born AFTER a year of language study was done and we were settled in a new location.  

So, Jason and I pray together, gather information about doctors, hospitals, shipments of "boys" that would need to happen, and off I head to the American Hospital in Paris to my English speaking, American OB-GYN.  (keep in mind that each time I refer to making this trip, it involved 2 separate metro train rides and 2 buses and a good bit of walking- no car for us in Paris)  Plans are made with my doctor, "boys" are shipped from the lab in California to the lab in Paris via FedEx. ( I only THOUGHT that part was complicated at the time.  I had not yet tried to make such a shipment happen in the Middle East- that came later and let me tell you was oh so fun.  and funny)

(Side note- we had 18 vials of Jason's "boys" stored in a lab in the US.  I believe at this point, we had 8-10 sent to us- don't remember exactly)

(Another side note- one of the ways God blessed us in this process is that fertility treatments while INCREDIBLY expensive in the US (even the simple ones we started off with), are actually quite inexpensive in other parts of the world)

Ok, so doctors visits, timing discussions, medications....  We opted for Clomid, counting days and me coming in at the appropriate time for a quick and easy procedure hopefully with the result we wanted.  

Try #1.  Negative.  

Try #2.  Negative. 

 Try #3.  POSITIVE!!! 

Whooo hooo!!!  It worked!!   Hooray!! Celebration!!  Share the news (a little with family and friends who babysat kids during multiple doctor visits).  That was easy, right?!  See, we knew it would be.  

Wait.  2 days later.  Bleeding.  Lots.  NO!!  STOP!  This is not supposed to happen!  This is not our plan!  HOW and WHY can this be God's plan?  Why would it be this hard to get here and end like this?  STOP!!!  (please....)

Didn't stop.  Heartache.  

Questions.  Guilt. 

Guilt?  Over why am I not content with the 2 beauties that I have?  Of course I am content.  I adore them.  But I know God is leading down this road.  Leading down a road that many walk without already having children that they can hug and tuck into bed every night.  Truly empty arms.  I don't know THAT heartache.  I am thankful.  Incredibly.  But sad.  And confused.  

I don't really remember all the details (and I don't have my journals with me from that season of life- yes, I'm old school and actually WRITE in journals....), but I remember very specifically being absolutely and completely overwhelmed by a sense of God's love.  I mean completely knocked off my feet in a sense that it really didn't matter at that point what happened because the King of the universe loves ME and is grieving for and with me and hurts for me because of His AMAZING LOVE.  I could do nothing but meditate on that love...

"By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me-- a prayer to the God of my life."

Psalm 42:8

"Why are you downcast , O my soul?  Why so disturbed with me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

Psalm 43:5

My HOPE could be in nothing but my God.  Not in the results, not in the doctors, not in the odds of this or that happening.  Only in my God.  

Now what?  We try again.  Ok, one last time in Paris we say.  We're about to move again so this will be the last try.  We're almost out of the "boys" in Paris anyway.  Artificial insemination uses a lot each time.  

Try #4.  Negative.  

Wow.  Things weren't really going according to plan.   Our plan.  We moved.  Not where we were expecting to move.  Things were busy.  REALLY busy, which in our minds explained a bit why the timing was not yet right.  So we waited and we prayed.  

I looked into fertility treatments in our new home.  (Beirut).  Turns out we lived within walking distance of the American University Hospital which was home to quite a nice assisted reproduction facility.  Contacted doctors, made appointments, discussed next steps.  

My doctor was a fertility specialist trained at Yale.  He talked about things I didn't fully understand and things I never thought we would have to consider.  In-vitro fertilization.  Wait.  That's for people who REALLY can't get pregnant.  (ummm, hello?).  You are running out of options he said.  You might eventually get good results with artifiicial insemination if you had an endless supply of "boys".  You don't.  They wasted them in Paris, he said.  Shame on them.  The "boys" are liquid gold.  You don't have much left.  You must use at least 2 vials with each try that we.  With IVF we can use 1 "boy" from the millions in 1 vial.  Shame on them for wasting them.  You want more than one more child?  Odds aren't good.  Let's see what we can do with IVF.  You are an excellent candidate.  There is no reason you should not get pregnant this way with your history.  

Hope!  That's what we'd been looking for.  Again, excitement.  Moving forward..

Our IVF Journey Part 1: A little history

This is one of those posts that's been swimming around in my head for weeks now, maybe months.  It's one that I've hesitated to write because it's somewhat of a private thing but, at the same time, it's something that's such a pivotal part of who our family is, that I want to record it so that we can remember and recall the amazing works of a God who loves us and provides for us in such amazing ways.  We have learned as we've walked the cancer journey, that it is not something that we are really shy about as far as sharing with people.  Sometimes I can tell when people ask what kind of cancer Jason had and I answer "testicular"  it makes them uncomfortable, and I think it's because they feel they have violated our privacy.  That's not the case.  We hope and pray that our story can encourage someone else.  So I'm writing this for me, for us, for our girls, and hopefully there is someone out there who can be encouraged by our journey.

And, my goodness, what a journey.  There are so many things I COULD say about the process that led us toward in-vitro for the purpose of growing our family.  Wow.  Truly hard to know where to start...

Let's see if I can keep the history brief.  In a nutshell (or lack thereof - let's see if you get that, obviously not applying the filter today...)  Jason was diagnosed with testicular cancer at the oh so young (seeming younger and younger by the year) age of 27.  At the time Abbey was 14 months old and I was 8 weeks pregnant with Maddie.  Within 48 hours, Jason had surgery to remove the cancer and within another 2 weeks he had another major surgery to explore his abdomen to find where the cancer had spread as this type of cancer follows a precise path.  During this 2 weeks, we had to be very forward thinking and decide whether or not we wanted to bank "his boys" in the interest of future family planning as the major abdominal surgery he was having could potentially result in sterility.  We did (bank) and it did (result in sterility).  Within the next 2 months he had 2 very intense rounds of chemotherapy (both a week long and both requiring hospitalization because of the severe effects of the chemo).  The end.  

Ok, not really the end of the journey by a long shot, but thankfully the end of his cancer battle.  Yes, there were many months and even years of continued screenings and treatments.  And yes, of course it took his body awhile to regain strength and bounce back, but thankfully his cancer battle, though an incredibly difficult and faith building time for both of us, was somewhat short lived in the overall scheme of things.  The effect said battle had on our ability to grow our family, not so short lived... But thankfully, as God has reminded us many times over this 10 year journey, it never was "our ability to grow our family" in the first place.  It was/is/ and always will be completely and wholly His ability.

So now, a little background on my spiritual journey as far as listening for and hearing God's voice speaking into my life.  I am so thankful that having a relationship with Jesus allows me to hear His voice in very specific ways.  Usually it has been through His Word- a specific scripture for a specific need or concern.  For example, when I was 15 I had a pretty nasty bike accident.  Landed on my face scraping it up pretty badly, blacked out for a bit, had to have stitches in my mouth.  All this right before high school started- not so great for a teenage girl's self esteem to have half of her face look like meat loaf...  You know how little kid's knees look pretty much all through preschool- yeah, that was my face.  Anyway, I remember lying in my bed the first night after it happened and God leading me specifically to a verse in Isaiah.

"So do not fear for I am with you.  Do not be afraid for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  

Isaiah 41:10

How precious this verse has become in my life in all sorts of challenges!  I love the image of being upheld in God's hand.  

Another instance involves leading up to Jason's second major surgery during the cancer saga.  I was a complete basket case.  Yes, part of it was pregnancy hormones while dealing with a 15 month old while coping with the news that my husband has potentially life threatening cancer, and the other part was the fact that I am and always have been a horrible worrier.  Combine that with my nursing knowledge of the many potential problems that can come along with a 4-6 hour surgery.  Well, let's just say I was starting to work on my grieving widow plan.  (not kidding).  I was thoroughly and utterly convinced that Jason was not going to make it out of surgery.  On the morning of his surgery, December 11, 2000, I went out to the car in preparation for heading to the hospital and found that a dear friend had left a note on my windshield.  It didn't say anything beyond the words to a verse I had known for a while but God used on that day to say you DO have a future with Jason.  I have a plan for you both and I am already there.  Have you figured out the scripture?

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

(let me just say here- please don't read too much into my theology or lack thereof.  I don't claim to be a Bible scholar and I am by no means trying to take the Word out of context, but I do know from my experience how the Lord has used His Word to specifically speak to my heart)

 A little less frequently during times of prayer and seeking His heart, He impresses upon my heart a certain need or action or a very specific direction.  Most of these incidences have actually been in relation to our fertility/IVF journey.  Maybe (or definitely) He knew/knows that my stubborn heart combined with my intense need to control needed very direct guiding!

When faced with the need to make a quick and pretty emotional decision regarding planning for our future family, it was pretty easy for us to know that we wanted to do all we could to plan for being able to have more kids naturally.  Yes, of course we were immensely thankful for the (almost) 2 that we had, but I had always said that I wanted (at least) 5 kids and Jason was more in the 3ish ballpark, but regardless it was a decision for us that did not take too much contemplation.  We were still so young (26 and 27) and weren't ready to think that our biological family was complete.  I was one of those disgustingly happy pregnant people (I say it like that because that was only the case with the first 2) who felt fantabulous (mostly) and loved every minute of being pregnant.  Also since becoming pregnant the first  2 times was incredibly easy (weren't even officially trying), we were told when talking about fertility options that we probably wouldn't have to do much too invasive since it seemed to come so easily.   At least in my mind, 1 maybe 2 tries with artificial insemination would be all it would take!

Now the complicated part.  The decision was made.  The "boys" were banked and frozen up nicely at a lovely lab in California and we went on our merry way waiting for baby #2 to make his/her appearance (obviously "her" but Maddie was our only surprise and it was fun).  So what's complicated?  Well, our lives essentially.  Maddie was born in July, Jason continued his job another year or so and we packed up our lives in preparation to head overseas leaving our chances for baby making behind in the US as we headed to France.  Here's the thing.  I mentioned (in not so many words) that I am a total control freak.  I have a tendency to feel the need to help things along if I don't feel that God is working at the right speed or in the right direction.  Don't worry, I've gotten better, but it's still a tendency that I have to keep in check.  So remember where I said that God had spoken some very specific words to my heart as part of this journey?  Here's what He did.  About the time we were preparing to head overseas (when Maddie was around 18 months), I started getting major baby fever and started dropping little hints to Jason, both of us knowing that the process of baby making was now A LOT more complicated (especially with us heading overseas).  Would require doctor visits, careful planning, possibly medication etc etc.  Ok sorry, back to what God did/said.  I remember it incredibly clearly down to exactly where I was.   We had been in a meeting and I stepped out to stretch and walk around.  Of course I was thinking/praying about a potential next baby and just when could we get started on this, Lord?  (I mean didn't He know how complicated it could be- calling the storage lab, making proper doctor appt's etc).  Well here's what God said.  He told my heart, "Kelli, you are to keep your mouth shut about trying for another baby, as in not say one single word to your husband about it in this season.  You are to stay silent.  No hints, nothing.  Not to him, not to anyone.  Of course pour your heart out to Me, but otherwise...  Silence.  When HE (Jason) is ready for the 2 of you to move forward, he will let you know.  Be silent."

SERIOUSLY!??

I mean, Lord, do you have ANY IDEA what you are asking of me here?  

If I don't drop hints, he will NEVER clue in to the fact that WE need to do this NOW!

(possibly you're seeing a bit of why the Good Lord felt the need to speak to my heart in this way!)

But do you know what?  I took God seriously.  Maybe like I never had before.  I recognized that He was calling me to surrender to His timing being better than mine and in doing so surrender to the leadership of my husband in our family and to TRUST that He (God) and he (Jason) did not need me to be the interpreter of the perfect timing regarding all things baby.  

So I shut up.  And I waited.  Sometimes I almost burst with the need to give my sweet man that gentle nudge that I just knew he needed to get his thoughts on baby but I controlled the urge and was quiet.  And I waited.  

And waited.

For what seemed like an eternity I waited.  

(to be continued)